Mistakes

Sometimes mistakes can be great teaching tools.  Sometimes husbands can learn.  Sometimes I can let go... no really - I can!   It just takes me a long time compared to the average person.

Craziness

So... life is crazy.  Since I last posted, I have fought and made up with my husband, I have debated switching jobs, I have gotten a new client and said goodbye to some I've been with for a long time.

I don't know what to make of this whole circus anymore!

Did I mention the outrageous mortgage payments that drive me to work from dawn till dusk?

I miss my friends, I wonder who I am sometimes.  All those fun things I used to do before responsibility...

On the other hand... I love being a mom, I love knowing that I'm his favorite person.  I love what I have accomplished so much in my short time on earth.

If things are easy, they don't mean much.  I guess I have to work hard for the rewards...

That's just crazy.

What Really Matters?

Life was all about work - who was getting promoted, who was getting fired, who was being the office brown noser ... but that stuff just stopped being important.  Did I lose my "edge" or did that stuff just cease to matter? 

We all are in different phases in our lives, and what's important to you now may not matter in a few years... or even a few months. 

I've been blessed with a new perspective on life.  What really matters?  I guess it all depends on who you ask... and when you ask it.

When the Person You Love Disappoints You

I'm posting this because I feel the masochistic need for some level of public humiliation.

What do you do when the person you love and care about disappoints you?  I'm not talking about a single instance.  I'm talking CONTINUAL disappointment.  My husband has been coming home late every weekday night ranging from 9 p.m. to 1 a.m. He says he's working.  That's what he says.  That has been disappointing.

So tonight at 2:30 a.m. I picked his sorry a$$ up from the police station with a DUI.  He was, according to the police officer, VERY drunk and was going about 110 mph.   That's very disappointing.

So I had to pack up myself, our 6 month old son, and get bail money to release his sorry a$$ from jail.  I then have to go down to the police station and wait for them to process him.  In the meantime, our son takes a huge dump in his diaper and I have to drive him home to change his diaper... and drive BACK to the police station to pick up my husband.  Again... various stages of disappointment.

So I'm really talking CONTINUAL disappointment.

I don't trust him anymore.  How can you stay married to someone who has broken your trust?  How did this happen?  Is it my fault for letting it happen? And what do I do about it?  It's a rhetorical question, really.  I'm not looking for an immediate answer.

I guess there's worse things that could happen.  For instance, I could find a grove of marijuana plants in my backyard... or maybe a drug lab in the garage ... or a helicopter pad on the roof for columbian druglords to smuggle illegal substances into the country...

I mean, afterall... he's just broken my trust in him... broken my heart... and broken the speed limit.  The worst part?  Now I really don't think I care.  I don't care if he's home late... though I told him he had to be home by 6:30 to 7 p.m. every night no excuses from now on.  I don't care if he's drunk... though I expect he won't touch a drop for a long while.  I even don't care that he's sorry, though I'm sure he is.

To my guy and gal pals who read this... don't feel sorry for me.  On some level I knew what I was marrying (maybe not to this extent...but I should have been smarter).  I made my bed.  It's just my choice of whether or not I want to continue to sleep in it... or if I just make him sleep on the couch for the next 10 years.  And maybe this is being written out of anger or bitterness.  Maybe I'll feel differently later.  Maybe.

I Adore Being a Girl... Sometimes

There's something about being a woman that is totally empowering.  The choke hold a pair of nice boobs has on a man's psyche, the ability to grow and feed a new life... yada yada yada... 

But there is also the side I dread.  The world of women is precarious.  One day you're in - the next you're out.  And you don't always know why.  Women often don't share their true feelings - big surprise.

You can be sitting talking to your girlfriends and they are ripping another gal pal apart.  Why?  Because she made a social boo-boo??  She's out and if you side with her... so are you. 

Men often have friends that last a lifetime.  Gal pals... it's almost normal to see them come and go after a few years.  It's so hard to find a friend who is with you always, who is dedicated to working out the "kinks" in a committed "best friend" relationship. 

Why aren't we there for each other more?  Why do we rip on each other?  I don't get it.  I have a hard time subscribing to the passive agressive nit picking.  The bitching, the back stabbing... I took Women's Studies courses in college to try to understand and better fit into the world of women... but I don't think I get it.  Maybe I never will.